


there is no why

by magicasen



Category: Tsukihime
Genre: F/F, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-24
Updated: 2014-03-24
Packaged: 2018-01-16 20:54:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1361467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicasen/pseuds/magicasen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone's moved on except her.</p><p>Set post-Hisui's Good End.</p>
            </blockquote>





	there is no why

Akiha sat at her desk, the tip of her pen tapping a rhythm against the paper. Only after glancing at the paper did she notice the ink was starting to blot, and she crumbled up the sheet.

The past week had been full of one headache after the other. The Tohno were not officially beholden, (and never would be, if she had a say in it), to the Mage's Association or the Church, but the supervisors authorized to oversee this land had driven themselves to irrelevancy years ago over a nonsensical feud. Meaning the brunt of the outlash from the past month's attacks had fallen to her shoulders.

Then again, their ire was directed to the right person, just not for the reasons they reckoned. So, she was left to quell the tempers of everyone ranging from lord magi to priests of the lowest standing, while Shiki fell asleep in the sitting room in broad daylight.

She pinched the bridge of her nose and exhaled sharply. She should be – was – grateful that her brother still stayed in this dreary mansion, even though she knew perfectly well why. It wasn't for her sake.

There was very little to like about this place. Before Father's death and Shiki's return, even she had spent most of her days at the academy, away from her father and the maids.

Thinking of the maids turned her thoughts too close to the events of the prior week, and Akiha shook her head. She picked up her pen to begin her letter anew; this one was addressed to a head of a particularly influential branch family. Unfortunately, having the Tohno seal on a mere form letter wouldn't properly assuage them.

The pounding of footsteps broke the stillness. Within the instant Akiha stood up, gripping the edge of the desk. No one in this house disturbed its oppressive silence, not even the newcomer Shiki.

Akiha turned around as the door slammed open. Hisui stood there, panting, streaks of tears down her cheeks barely dried. Akiha saw the grief and desperation in Hisui's eyes, and her body turned to ice. She wasn't having an attack, not this time, but she only knew that for certain because no stabs of pain accompanied the cold; only a choking numbness.

There were two people in the world who could evoke such a reaction from the maid.

“Akiha-sama,” Hisui gasped, “Nee-san and Shiki-san, they, they're, you have to – “

Then, the girl who had never allowed anyone to see her smile, who had refused to cry, and who had become silent ever since that day four years ago, broke into sobs.

* * *

Hisui watched from a chair in the corner, eyes carefully blank, as Akiha walked over to the bed and the person waiting in it.

“Hello.”

“Hello,” Kohaku said. She looked at Akiha's face as if she was searching for something. Evidently not finding what she wanted to, she clasped her hands in front of her and averted her gaze. It wasn't until that moment that the weight of what Shiki had meant, when he had said Kohaku had lost her past self, hit Akiha.

“I'm sorry. You feel familiar, but I don't remember you. Could you please tell me who you are?”

“My name is Akiha Tohno.”

“Tohno.” Kohaku pronounced the name slowly. “Are you related to Shiki-san, by any chance?”

“He is my elder brother.”

Kohaku nodded, then furrowed her eyebrows. “Hisui-chan told me that we are servants of the Tohno household. She also said she is Shiki-san's personal servant, so could that possibly mean...?”

“In addition to your cooking and gardening duties, you served me personally.”

“I see.” Kohaku looked down, her fingers playing with the corner of the hospital bedsheet. “So, when I'm released from here, I will return to you, Akiha...sama?”

Akiha closed her eyes, willing the pain in her chest that had flared with those words away. Then, slowly, just barely, she shook her head. When she opened her eyes, Kohaku's head hung low, and the sheets were bunched in her fingers' grip.

“Of course,” Kohaku mumbled. “There's no use for a servant who doesn't even remember their mistress, or...I don't even know if I can still cook or tend a garden. I understand.”

“No, that's –“

“Nee-san, Akiha-sama didn't mean it like that.” They both startled at Hisui's voice. “Serving her was something your old – other – self did. Akiha-sama is offering you another choice.”

Kohaku looked back at Akiha, questioning, and Akiha sighed softly before nodding. “If you want something, anything, tell me. I'll make it possible.” She would have done that even before everything, she realized as she spoke the words.

Confusion lined Kohaku's expression and she tugged at her bedsheets. “So, if I don't want to be a servant – ”

“You can travel. See the world. If you want to go to school, that can be arranged as well. But, if it's a job or money you want, then I can provide you with almost anything. The Tohno family is very powerful.”

Distress had replaced confusion. Kohaku smiled weakly and shook her head. “I'm sorry. That's very generous of you, but – all I know is this room, so I don't know what I could possibly want from the entire world outside it.” She glanced over at Hisui. “Hisui-chan, you'll be...?”

“I will be at the Tohno mansion,” Hisui replied.

“Then, Akiha-sama,” Kohaku turned toward her and, for the first time since Akiha had met her again, spoke clearly and confidently, “if you could possibly take me back, that would make me very happy.”

 _Serving me would make you happy?_ Akiha had long learned how to hide amusement behind a impassive expression. “If that's what you want, then I would be more than happy to have it happen. It's good to have you back, Kohaku.”

She knew the moment she said it the severity of her transgression, and she flinched as though struck. Hisui gasped. Kohaku stiffened, the slow openness coaxed out over the course of their conversation shut out in that single instant.

“I'm very sorry, but my name is Nanaya.”

Of course. “I apologize, Nanaya. It won't happen again.” Then, because she couldn't stop herself, “since we're working this out now, then I would like to make my own request.” Nanaya looked curious as Akiha hesitated, considering how to phrase her words. “Don't address me so formally.”

Nanaya pondered it for a moment. “Is Akiha-san fine?”

Akiha could feel Hisui watching her, but she kept her gaze locked on Nanaya's.

“Akiha-san is perfect.”

* * *

Akiha leaned her head back against the wooden frame of the doorway. Inhale, exhale, and steadfastly repress the twinge of pain with each breath taken. Kohaku knelt next to her, and wiped away her sweat with a damp cloth.

“You know, Akiha-sama,” Kohaku said, “next time, it'd be much more prudent to fetch me before you have an attack.” She hadn't affixed her kimono back in place yet, and part of it hung off her shoulder. Akiha couldn't meet Kohaku's eyes, so she fixed her gaze on the pale skin there instead.

“I can't know when I'll have one,” Akiha said, a bit sharply. Kohaku smiled, and shuffled back. She folded her hands over her lap.

“If you had a constant source of heat, they wouldn't occur as often now, would they?”

Akiha narrowed her eyes. Naturally, Kohaku didn't react, only smiling wider.

“It's nothing to fret over. It's natural, with your bloodline –“

“Don't compare me with those people,” Akiha said coldly.

“I wasn't trying to.” She must have broke Kohaku of her smile for that instant, because now she pouted a little. “I just wanted to point out that how you're handling this is just stubborn and silly. If it'll make you feel better, you can drink as much of my blood as you like. It doesn't make sense to willingly put yourself in pain.”

 _That's because you've chosen to forget there's more to pain than whatever your body feels_ , Akiha wanted to tell her, but couldn't.

Kohaku continued to speak. “Unless...do I disgust you, Akiha-sama?”

Akiha's eyes snapped up to Kohaku's face. “What?”

“It's my body, isn't it? It's natural to feel repulsed by it, I suppose. Aha, Akiha-sama looks so scandalized,” Kohaku giggled, “you're not being very subtle. You've been glaring at my shoulder for the past minute. Do you want me to cover up?”

Akiha blinked blankly at her for a long moment. “What? This has absolutely nothing to do with that!”

“You're going to have to make it clearer what you're denying here.” Kohaku's eyes were clear and her words were candid. An involuntary shiver ran down the length of Akiha's body.

She had just gone through another attack. She was next to cracking under the carefully applied stress of interacting with her servant, like a pressure cooker set to burst, a fault line about to snap, like she was edging closer and closer to the side of a cliff, and there was no bottom in sight.

“You think the reason I'm not a – why I don't do the things that...you think it's because we're both women?”

Kohaku didn't reply, but she hesitated before glancing away. Akiha felt something curl deep in her gut. For Kohaku, all that separated Akiha Tohno from her father was her gender. If she were born a man, then would she also have used the other girl, violated her until her humanity shattered? The idea made Akiha want to hurl, to sink into a bath and scrub away all the dirt and sin and blood until her skin was raw and red and angry.

That was why, she told herself later, she took the leap.

It took a moment of unseemly situating, her limbs still sore from the attack, but in the end, she was left on her hands and knees. She crawled toward Kohaku, knowing full well what she looked like – a floozy with loose standards and lesser self-respect. Would she be this way for him too, if he ever returned, she wondered. Her legs trembled, and her palms were sweaty. But when her face ended up just inches away from Kohaku's, she saw a flicker of something she'd never seen on the other girl's face, before it was smoothed over with simple curiosity.

“What do you think?” Akiha asked, and she saw Kohaku's eyes widen, felt Kohaku's shaky breath intermingle with her own.

Later, Akiha couldn't say who closed the distance between them. At the moment, it didn't matter.

* * *

 

“Um, Akiha-san?”

Akiha hummed with acknowledgment without looking up.

“I brought you some tea and snacks. I thought you, it would be nice to have something to take your mind off your work.”

“Thank you. Can you set it over there?” Her eyes didn't leave the page, scanning the lines of text.

She had already resumed the paperwork before she realized she hadn't heard the door close on the way out. Akiha turned in her chair and raised an eyebrow at Nanaya.

“Did you need something?”

The plate of cookies clattered as Nanaya jumped and shuffled her feet. “No! I just thought that if I left these here like you said, they'd go cold and you wouldn't take a single bite.”

That had happened last time, Akiha noted with a pang of guilt. “That was thoughtless of me,” she admitted. “Bring those over here.”

Nanaya stared at her, before walking over. Akiha took a cookie and took a bite, closing her eyes as she did so. They were slightly sweet and crumbly, but with enough of a crunch to be satisfying.

“These are very good,” she said.

“I'm glad you like them.” But Nanaya didn't look pleased; she glanced down, like she was a loss for words, and fidgeted.

Before, if she had anything to tell Akiha, she wouldn't have hesitated. She would have said it plain and straightforward, knowing that there was nothing she could do to make Akiha truly annoyed at her. Akiha hid her grimace at the idea with a cough.

They were Akiha-san and Nanaya. There was no such thing as a “before” for them, before their first meeting in that hospital room months ago. Nanaya was the type of servant who would ask permission, or need prompting to make their opinion known, so this behavior was to be expected.

“Yes?”

“I'm glad you liked the cookies,” Nanaya said, “but that's not what I really wanted.” She paused, as if to take a breath, and Akiha saw the knuckles of her hands holding the tray turn white.“You're always holed up in here,” she blurted. “From the moment you arrive home from school, and the minute dinner's over. I know you're very busy, as the head of the family, but there's certainly time to spend with Shiki-san, or Hisui, or me.” She ended with a gasp, like she could only have gotten through that speech in one go, lest she lose her nerve.

Akiha blinked, stunned for a second. “That's a nice sentiment, but,” she paused, and to fill the silence, flipped her hair back with a hand, “I'm the type who isn't affected by idealistic prattling. I need results, so tell me, what would you propose I do instead of what I currently do, Nanaya?”

Nanaya flinched, but held her ground. She breathed in deeply, and the expression on her face could only be described as a pout. “At least, you need a change in scenery! There's a table under the veranda. Wouldn't it be nice to take your tea there, instead? Maybe you'll end up more productive with some fresh air and sunlight. Acting like a rock can't be good for your body or your mind!” If she hadn't been holding the tray, Akiha was sure Nanaya would have waved a finger at her.

Akiha couldn't stop herself from smiling, or a giggle from escaping her.

“I-I'm not joking, Akiha-san!”

“I know you aren't,” the smile had turned into an outright grin, “it's just – How long did it take you to work up the nerve to tell me that? I didn't think I'd ever hear you say something like that again.”

“Oh.” Nanaya was blushing, Akiha realized. “If I knew you'd take it so easily, I shouldn't have waited.”

“That's fine,” Akiha said gently. “If you take the tray out, I'll go now. Is that acceptable?”

“Of course.” Nanaya made no move to leave. It was evident she wanted to say something more, and with that, she would have expended all of hard-earned courage earned over the past months in a five minute conversation. “Akiha-san, could I ask you a question?” Then, before the inquiry registered for Akiha, “you said 'again', didn't you? Can I ask...what I was like? Before?”

Akiha stilled. She had been careless, caught up with the familiarity of the atmosphere, and she scolded herself fiercely for slipping. “You were bright,” she said carefully, “cheerful. Loyal.”

Nanaya's eyes stuttered to hers, before darting away. “Is that so?”

Akiha arched an eyebrow. “Are you doubting me?”

“No!” Nanaya stammered. “It's just, I'm just not like that at all, haha.” She giggled weakly. “It's just that I can tell that you're...not as cold as you try to seem. Hisui-chan and Shiki-san don't talk much about before, but they seemed really surprised when I told them that we don't talk very much. It must be...we must have been really close, huh?” Nanaya smiled, but her eyes told a different story, and Akiha's heart clenched.

Maybe they had acted like it. But that's because that girl had been trying to earn Akiha's trust to use against her. Akiha closed her eyes. She never had the courage to tell her she didn't have to do that. If it had been her...Akiha would have done anything she wanted.

“Hisui-chan and Shiki-san are...” Nanaya ducked her head. “I just was a little curious. They seemed so surprised. So it made me wonder if maybe – the reason – were we also like them?”

Akiha remembered Kohaku's lips on her own, how her amber eyes had glowed in the low light of the out building, inches away from her own. She remembered Kohaku's scream, before she had shoved her out of SHIKI's path.

And she remembered hiding in Father's closet, trembling next to Hisui, hearing the monstrous, wretched noises from the other side of the door. She remembered the blankness of those dull eyes of that girl at the window who had scared her when she was young.

“No.”

“...I see.” The plates on the tray were clattering again. “I don't think I liked my past life,” Nanaya admitted shakily. “But sometimes, when I see you, and think of what we must have been like, part of me wonders if maybe it couldn't have been so bad.”

Akiha dug her fingers into the side of her chair to stop the trembling.

“I hope you'll find it in you to forgive me, for not being the same person you knew,” Nanaya said quietly. She bowed. “Sorry. I'm really sorry. I know I needed that, but neither of us wanted it. I won't bring it up again. I'm just...I'm going to take this outside, all right?”

When the door shut, Akiha released her grip, and her breath came in shudders. Her relationship with Shiki and Hisui wasn't the same. That made perfect sense, all considering everything else that had changed between those two. But had she really been so cold in her treatment of her servant? Even Nanaya had noticed, and it had shocked Shiki and Hisui.

 _Forgive me._ Maybe she really was looking for a reason to forgive Nanaya for – letting go of her past? Forgetting her pain? Simply because she had to leave her behind in the process. Because everyone else had moved on with their lives, all except Akiha Tohno, forever tied to her blood and her sin.

Akiha buried her face in her hands and felt like a small, terrible person.

* * *

She knew another pain attack was coming, from the trembling that started from the tips of her toes, and Akiha braced herself as best she could.

The attacks had grown rare since Nanaya came here, and that was because Shiki was getting plenty of energy from other sources. Akiha hated herself for that thought, for being bitter about her brother's happiness, so much more important than her own.

Steeling herself still didn't dull the ice-sharp pain of the cold, and in the roar of the mind-shattering pain, the whimper that escaped her sounded distant. So was the sound of the door opening, and the patter of footsteps.

“Akiha-san? You're supposed to be up, already! I brought a new brush, it's supposed to bring out the shine in your ha–” There was a clatter. “Akiha-san!”

There was a dip in the bed as Nanaya moved next to her. “Akiha-san, what's wrong?” Nanaya's warm hands found her face, and Akiha buried her face into them, desperately clinging to that heat. Shivers wracked her body again, and she squeezed the sheets beneath her fingers.

“I have to go get Hisui-chan, or – ”

“No!” Akiha snapped. Nanaya couldn't leave now; if Akiha lost that warmth now, she felt certain she would die.

“It'll pass,” she gritted out. “Stay.”

“But, what _is_ it?” Akiha wanted to whimper when Nanaya's hands left her face, but one of Nanaya's hands went to her neck instead, and the other rested on top of her own fingers and squeezed. “You're freezing. It can't be natural!”

“It's...I'll explain it to you la – ah!” Another shudder, squeezing from her chest outward, shocked her still. Her entire body was shifted, and her limbs locked against the forced movement, but then, she was looking up at Nanaya, her head resting in her lap.

Nanaya stared at her, and her eyes were wide and fearful. Her hands were gripped between Akiha's own, and she ran her thumbs over the back of Akiha's hands. Something like understanding dawned on her then, and she loosened her grip on Akiha's, and Akiha let out a pathetic whine.

“Sorry, sorry,” Nanaya gasped, before nearly falling off the bed in her rush. There was rustling and the crash of objects hitting the floor, while Akiha struggled not to thrash about on the bed. Now that she remembered the warmth of other people's bodies, the only thoughts that strayed in her mind scared her. Plunder. Steal. Absorb.

Then Nanaya was back, and before she realized what was happening, the coppery taste of blood flooded her senses. Akiha gasped a little, at first, before grabbing Nanaya's wrists and holding them in place as she sucked greedily.

The warmth, sweet, addicting warmth, crept into her body, bit by bit, expelling the empty cold until her nerves were singing. It had been so long – too long – how had she ever survived without this? For the first time in an eternity, Akiha felt alive. Her senses weren't dulled, her mind wasn't hazy, and her being hummed with energy.

“Akiha-san?” Nanaya whispered. Her face was upside down, and Akiha frowned at it, the orientation throwing her off. She was too far, was Akiha's first thought, so she released Nanaya's finger from her mouth, and Nanaya trailed it down her neck. Akiha brought her hands up, framing Nanaya's face and tugging her down. Then, for the first and last time, Akiha kissed Nanaya.

Nanaya gasped against her lips, and Akiha tugged at her hair, and after a brief moment, Nanaya sank into the kiss too. It shouldn't have been possible for mere bodily contact to feel more heated than blood, even more so because it was a chaste kiss, but the press of Nanaya's lips against her own made Akiha's entire body burn.

When they parted several long moments later, both of them gasping for breath, it was like someone had dumped a bucket of water over her. Akiha panicked, and pushed Nanaya away with a hard shove. She scrambled to the edge of the bed, knees up, far away as possible without running to the corner of the room.

Nanaya looked a little lost and even more hurt. Her mouth was red and wet, and Akiha resisted the urge to lick her own lips. The cold earlier had been overwhelming, wrapping her up and demanding every ounce of her attention, but now, the cold was a lonely, gaping abyss between the two of them.

“I'm sorry.” Akiha wasn't sure which part she was apologizing for. “Please leave.”

Nanaya didn't acknowledge her words. No nods, no affirmations. All she did was blink at her with an expression of terrible understanding and pity. Moments later, she walked out, shutting the door behind her with a soft click.

When she had left, Akiha saw her letter cutter on the desk, its edge red with blood.

* * *

“This is,” Nanaya's mouth was slightly agape, “this is too much, Akiha-san.”

“It's a personal gift from the head of the Tohno family,” Akiha said primly. “I would advise you to accept it graciously.”

Shiki and Hisui stiffened at the gift, but Nanaya's eyes shone. It was, as Akiha had started to recognize, one of her true smiles.

It had been a year since Nanaya had returned to the Tohno mansion from the hospital. When they had celebrated Hisui's birthday over half a year ago, no one had mentioned her twin. It wouldn't have meant anything for her, anyway.

It had been a year since Akiha had met Nanaya, four months since Akiha's last attack, and four months of silence about what happened between them then. Akiha would like to pretend that nothing had changed since then, but that would have been a lie. Nanaya had once been apologetic for her condition, trying to recover old pieces of herself – sheets of carefully hand-written recipes in the kitchen, stacks of dusty books detailing medicine. After that morning, that had stopped. Nanaya had completely divorced herself from her past, and Akiha was...glad for that. She regretted that it came from such a weak moment on her own part, but it was fine, if it had allowed Nanaya the chance to move on.

“Happy birthday,” Akiha told her.

“Thank you.” Nanaya clasped the stone between her hands. “It's really – the color is really beautiful.” There was no trace of pretense in her words, and it disconcerted Akiha, exposed her and was almost enough to make her repentant. “If I may ask, what's the name of this stone?”

Despite her misgivings, a part of Akiha marveled at the irony. Once, this game of disingenuity and feigned ignorance was their state of being, and if Akiha was foolish enough to partake in it again now, however one-sided and cruel it was, she was allowed her private, pointless amusement. She smiled at Nanaya.

“It's called amber.”


End file.
